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        龙应台:女朋友

        来源: | 发表日期:2019-05-08 | 点击数: 224 次

        导读:我有写信的女友,她写的信其实是一首一首美丽的诗,因为她是诗人。我有打电话的女友,因为她不会用任何电子沟通。来电话时只是想说一件事:我很“闷”;她说的“闷”,叫做“寂寞”,只是才气纵横的她太骄傲,绝不说自己寂寞。有一个女友,从不跟我看电影听音乐会,但是一个月约吃一次午饭。她是我的生活家教。每次吃饭,就直截了当问我有没有问题需要指点。令人惊奇的是,她每次的指点,确实都启发了我。她外表冷酷如金属,内心又温润如白玉。

        风水大师


        很多年以来,当被问到,“你的人生有没有一件后悔的事”,我多半自以为豪情万丈地回说,“没有。决定就是承担,不言悔。”


        但是现在,如果你问我是否后悔过什么,有的,美君,我有两件事。


        黄昏玉兰


        第一件事发生的时候,你在场。


        天色渐晚,阳台上的玉兰初绽,细细的香气随风游进屋里。他坐在沙发上。


        他爱开车带着你四处游山玩水,可是不断地出车祸。这一回为了闪躲,紧急煞车把坐在一旁的你撞断了手臂。于是就有了这一幕:我们三人坐在那个黄昏的客厅里,你的手臂包扎着白色纱布,凄惨地吊在胸前。你是人证,我是法官,面前坐着这个低着头的八十岁小男孩,我伸手,说,“钥匙给我。”


        他顺从地把钥匙放在我手心,然后,把准备好的行车执照放在茶几上。


        完全没有抵抗。


        我是个多么明白事理又有决断的人啊。他哪天撞死了人怎么办。交出钥匙,以后想出去玩就叫出租车,儿女出钱。


        后来才知道,我是个多么自以为是、粗暴无知的下一代啊。你和他这一代人,一生由两个经验铸成:战争的创伤和贫困的折磨。那幸存的,即使在安好和静的岁月里,多半还带着不安全感或者心灵深处幽微的伤口,对生活小心翼翼。一篮水果总是先吃烂的,吃到连好的也变成烂的;冰箱里永远存着舍不得丢弃的剩菜。我若是用心去设想一下你那一代人的情境,就应该知道,给他再多的钱,他也不可能愿意让出租车带着你们去四处游逛。他会斩钉截铁地说,浪费。



        从玉兰花绽放的那一个黄昏开始,他基本上就不再出门。从钥匙被没收的那一个决断的下午开始,他就直线下坠,疾速衰老。


        上一代不会倾吐,下一代无心体会,生命,就像黄昏最后的余光,瞬间没入黑暗。


        只是母亲


        第二件后悔的事,和你有关。


        我真的可以看见好多个你。


        我看见一个扎着两条粗辫子的浙江女孩,跟着大人到山上去收租,一路上蹦蹦跳跳,时不时停下来采田边野花,又滔滔不绝地跟大人说话,语音清脆和满山嘹亮的鸟声交错。


        我看见一个穿阴丹士林旗袍的民国姑娘,在绸缎铺里手脚利落地剪布卖布,仪态大方地把客人送走,然后叉腰跟几个蛮横耍赖的士兵当街大声理论,寸步不让。


        我看见一个神情焦虑的妇人手里紧紧抱着婴儿,在人潮汹涌的码头上盯着每一个下船的男人,寻找她失散的丈夫;天黑时,她蹲在一条水沟边,拎起铁鎚钉钉子,搭建一个为孩子遮雨的棚屋。


        我看见一个在寒冬的清晨蹑手蹑脚进厨房做四个热便当盒的女人。我看见一个姿态委屈、语调谦卑,为了孩子的学费向邻居朋友开口借钱的女人。我看见一个赤脚坐在水泥地上编织渔网的女人、一个穿长统雨靴涉进溪水割草喂猪的女人。我看见一个对丈夫坚定宣布“我的女儿一样要上大学”的女人。我看见一个身若飘絮、发如白芒的女人,在丈夫的告别式上不胜负荷地把头垂下...


        我清清楚楚看见现在的你。


        你坐在轮椅中,外籍看护正在一口一口喂你流质的食物。我坐在你面前,握着你满布黑斑的瘦弱的手,我的体温一定透过这一握传进你的心里,但同时我知道你不认得我。


        我后悔,为什么在你认得我的那么长的岁月里,没有知觉到:我可以,我应该,把你当一个女朋友看待?


        女朋友们彼此之间做些什么?



        我们常常约会——去看一场特别的电影,去听一次远方的乐团演奏,去欣赏一个难得看到的展览,去吃饭、去散步、去喝咖啡、去医院看一个共同的老友。我曾经和两个同龄女友清晨五点摸黑到寒冷的阳明山去看日出点亮满山芒草。我曾经和几个年轻的女友在太平洋畔看满天星斗到凌晨三点。我曾经和四个不同世代的女友在蒙古沙漠里看柠檬黄的月亮堂堂从天边华丽升起。我曾经和一个长我二十岁的女友在德国莱茵河畔骑脚踏车、在纽约哈德逊河畔看大川结冰。


        我有写信的女友,她写的信其实是一首一首美丽的诗,因为她是诗人。我有打电话的女友,因为她不会用任何电子沟通。来电话时只是想说一件事:我很“闷”;她说的“闷”,叫做“寂寞”,只是才气纵横的她太骄傲,绝不说自己寂寞。有一个女友,从不跟我看电影听音乐会,但是一个月约吃一次午饭。她是我的生活家教。每次吃饭,就直截了当问我有没有问题需要指点。令人惊奇的是,她每次的指点,确实都启发了我。她外表冷酷如金属,内心又温润如白玉。


        而你,美君,从来就不在我的“女朋友”名单里。


        你啊,只是我的母亲。


        亲密注视


        一旦是母亲,你就被放进“母亲”这个格子里,定格为我人生的后盾。后盾在我的“后面”,是保护我安全、推动我往前的力量,但是因为我的眼睛长在前面,就注定了永远看不到后面的你。


        我很早就发现到这个陷阱——我是两个儿子的“后盾”,在他们蓄势待发的人生跑道上,落在“母亲”那一格的我,也要被“看不见”了。所以十五年前我就开启了一个传统——每一年,和他们一对一旅行一两次。和飞力普曾经沿着湄公河从泰北一南漂到寮国,也曾经开车从德国到法国到意大利到瑞士,跟着足球世界杯一场一场地跑。和安德烈曾经用脚步去丈量京都和奈良的面积磨破了皮,明天我们即将启程去缅甸看佛寺,一个一个地看。


        两个人的旅途意味着什么?自由。如果我去探视他们,他们深深崁在既有的生活规律里,充满属于他们的牵绊,再怎么殷勤,我的到访都是外来的介入,相处的每一个小时都是他们努力额外抽出的时间,再甜蜜也是负担。


        两个人外出旅行,脱离了原有环境的框架,突然就出现了一个开阔自由的空间。这时的朝夕陪伴,不论长短,都是最醇厚的相处、最专心的对待,并肩看向窗外,探索人生长河上流动的风光。


        十五年中一次一次的单独行旅,我亲密注视着他们从少年蜕变为成人,他们亲密注视着我从中年踏进了初老。



        找不到


        有一天走在维也纳街头,绿灯亮时,一抬头看见灯里的小绿人竟然是两个女人手牵手走路,两人中间一颗心。维也纳市政府想传达的是:相爱相婚的不必是“两性”;两人,就够了。停下脚步,人们不断地从我身边流过,我心里想的,是你:当你还健步如飞的时候,为什么我不曾动念带你跟我单独旅行?为什么我没有紧紧牵着你的手去看世界,因而完全错过了亲密注视你从初老走向深邃穹苍的最后一哩路?


        为什么我解放了自己却没有解放你?为什么我愿意给我的女朋友们那么多真切的关心,挥霍星月游荡的时间,却总是看不见我身后一直站着一个女人,她的头发渐渐白,身体渐渐弱,脚步渐渐迟,一句抱怨也没有地看着我匆匆的背影?


        为什么我就是没想到要把你这个女人看做一个也渴望看电影、喝咖啡、清晨爬山看芒草、需要有人打电话说“闷”的女朋友?


        **********


        我抽出一张湿纸巾,轻轻擦你的嘴角眼角。你忽然抬头看我——是看我吗?你的眼睛里好深的虚无,像一间屋子,门半开,香烟缭绕,茶水犹温,但是人已杳然。我低头吻你的额头,说,“你知道吗?我爱你……”


        那是多么迟到的、空洞的、无意义的誓言。所以我决定给你写信,把你当做一个长我二十六岁的女朋友——尽管收信人,我找不到……


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